Who's Your Daddy? | Father's Day Special 2026 | S02E09

You did the math on everything, the mortgage, the tuition, the retirement accounts, and somehow the one thing you can't quite figure out is how to just sit on the porch with your kid and do nothing. 

You're not the passenger on this plane, you're the pilot, and even when everyone wants you to hit autopilot and come hang out, part of your CPU is still locked on the question, how do I keep all of this in the air?

In this Father's Day solo episode, Dennis Procopio (The Bro Coach®) skips the goofy grill-out bit he planned, throws on an orange hockey hat and a loud Hawaiian shirt, and then lets the conversation get real about what it actually means to be a father today. 

He works through three kinds of men he coaches every day, the guy who had the so-called perfect high-earning dad and now can't grow in the shadow of greatness, the guy who came up in a violent, negligent, or just plain shitty home and carries the father wound, and the guy who never had a dad at all, who Dennis says he feels for the most because there's nothing to work with.

This one gets into the credo Dennis calls the three P's, provide, protect, perform, and why a man running that program around the clock quietly trades away presence with his family and with himself. He talks about competency addiction, where you get hooked on winning because you're running low on self-worth, and how conditional validation from a father trains a kid to keep asking, daddy, do you love me now. 

He gets honest about his own story too, the abuse in his first years, a mother in and out of institutions, Rikers Island, and how he still fathers his own inner child on the daily after more than 25,000 hours doing this work as what he calls a rent a dad for hundreds of men, some of them older than he is.

Also in here: David Goggins planking in his casket, Bear Bryant's three rules for a mistake, why energy vampires are not your friends, the peaceful warrior idea that a good man is in fact a gentle man, and the reminder that if you're in your kid's life and you're trying, you are already enough.

TIMESTAMPS
 0:00 - Father's Day, the orange hat, and getting real
 1:37 - The dad you become and the dad you had
 3:43 - The terrarium: kids raised inside privilege
 6:00 - Provide, protect, perform, and the cost to presence
 9:15 - Showing dad ROI and competency addiction
 11:01 - David Goggins and value through performance
 12:25 - Conditional versus unconditional validation
 17:31 - What fathers owe now: respect, empathy, presence
 21:02 - When you did not have a great father
 27:00 - Dennis's story: addiction, the street, Rikers
 33:25 - Learned behaviors and breaking the cycle
 36:01 - Learning to father your own inner child
 44:01 - Bear Bryant: admit it, learn from it, do not repeat it
 46:02 - The man who never had a dad at all
 57:18 - The peaceful warrior and the closing message

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why the three P's of provide, protect, and perform quietly cost you presence with your family
• How competency addiction and a low sense of self-worth feed each other in high earners
• The difference between conditional and unconditional validation, and how it shapes a man for decades
• What respect, empathy, and presence actually look like in modern fatherhood
• How to father your own inner child so you have love left to give your real kids
• Why finding good male mentors and cutting loose the energy vampires matters more than you think
• Why a father who is in his kid's life and is honestly trying is already enough

THIS HITS IF YOU'RE

• A dad carrying the whole family on your back and wondering if you're doing any of it right
• Still trying to earn the approval of a father who measured you by performance
• Working through a father wound from a violent, absent, or checked-out dad
• A man who never really had a father and is figuring out how to be one anyway
• Successful on paper but struggling to simply be present with the people you love

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ABOUT THE SHOW The Bro Coach® Podcast with Dennis Procopio. Not red-pill garbage. Not therapy. Real coaching for guys who achieved success but missed the point. Dennis has 25,000+ hours working with high-earning men ($150K to $3M+) who look successful but feel stuck.

Transcript

00:00:00:05 - 00:00:23:02
Unknown
Most men want more. More clarity. More respect. More control over their lives. But few know how to get it. Welcome to the Bro Coach podcast with Dennis Procopio, the founder of Man Up Life Coaching and the man behind thousands of Transform Lives. Not Red pill, not therapy. Just the evolved man's blueprint for strength, presence and purpose.

00:00:23:07 - 00:00:53:19
Speaker 1
Hey, guys, welcome to the coach podcast father's day edition I'm Dennis Procopio. I am the owner and founder of Man Up Life Coaching, and we are in our second season. I am happy to say that there are a lot of guys listening, a lot of guys following, a lot of guys liking, and this podcast seems to be driving a lot of engagement.

00:00:53:19 - 00:01:37:14
Speaker 1
So for those of you who are listening, thank you. Today we're going to talk about fatherhood. And I feel very good about this conversation because I am a father and because I coach a lot of fathers. Now, one of the first things that I notice about being a father that you'll probably relate to is that guys tend to want to be the best version of themselves for their kids, and that's usually informed by their experience as kids.

00:01:37:14 - 00:02:17:14
Speaker 1
So example, if you had a dad who was awesome, he played with you, he shared, you know, spent quality time with you, took you on drives, told you about the birds and the bees, took you out for ice cream with sprinkles when you hit a home run, you know, set there in the locker room and dried your tears when you lost and it was your fault if you had whatever the perfect dad is, then you had a really good model for what to do with your kid.

00:02:17:16 - 00:02:56:09
Speaker 1
Let's start with that guy. By the way, not a lot of us had that guy. Most of the guys who come to man up life coaching are guys who, unsurprisingly, are trying to do a better job than their dad did. But let's say you had the perfect dad. Here's something comical having the perfect dad may have given you an idea of what it looks like to be a good dad, but there's also some anxiety there.

00:02:56:11 - 00:03:43:19
Speaker 1
Like dad might be a tough act to follow, right? If your dad was a high earner, chances are he created a bubble for you and for your family to live in that was comfortable and you might have taken things for granted. Like several vehicles. You owned your own house and you had some nice square footage, and you had the amenities of privilege, like a yard and a safe neighborhood and a good school district.

00:03:43:21 - 00:04:34:17
Speaker 1
And so you end up becoming a kid whose job in that environment is to go to school, get good grades, do your chores, don't fight with your siblings, show respect to others. And basically, you know, just quote, be a good kid. Let's start there. One of the challenges that I see with guys who have had what would seem to be an idyllic and perfect childhood, is that they really don't understand anything about the terrarium they're being raised in.

00:04:34:18 - 00:05:03:15
Speaker 1
How much does this whole thing cost? How do you pay for all these streaming devices that I have access to, or apps? Apps that I have, you know, access to on all of my devices, who's who's our internet service provider? How did you arrive at that choice? What hell did you go through deciding who your internet provider was going to be?

00:05:03:21 - 00:05:28:18
Speaker 1
Do you own this house? Do you pay a mortgage? How's that work? What's having a bank account or bank accounts look like these days? What is Bitcoin? What is crypto? What are stocks? What is any of this? So a dad has the idea that at first he's going to let his kid enjoy a wonderful childhood. We're going to go out in the boat.

00:05:28:19 - 00:06:00:07
Speaker 1
We're going to go you know, catch fireflies and, you know, stay up late during the summer and look at the stars and play in the sprinkler, and we're going to live that freaking American dream childhood as seen on TV and, you know, bluebell ice cream and country time lemonade commercials, right? Norman Rockwell painting, you know, Americana nostalgia.

00:06:00:08 - 00:06:40:21
Speaker 1
That's that's what that's what most dads who are trying to be providers are going for. Well, but here's a problem. And I've mentioned this in other of my podcast, that dad to be that guy is himself on a treadmill trying to protect, provide and perform optimally. You've heard me use the three P's before. This is the credo of the good man provide, protect, perform.

00:06:40:23 - 00:07:14:10
Speaker 1
So while he's doing that, what he's not doing necessarily is being present with his family or present with himself. And by present, I mean put the phone away. By present, I mean get away from the computer or the laptop. I rather the tablet. By present, I mean make eye contact, relax your body, take some deep breaths and chill.

00:07:14:12 - 00:07:46:09
Speaker 1
Well, you can't chill because you're not a passenger on this plane. You're the pilot. Everybody else thinks that you just fly through the sky by magic. And if something goes wrong, dad will fix it, right? In the meantime, dad's in the cockpit on some days saying, I'm the man. Look at me flying this plane and on other days saying, oh, shit, we're coming into turbulence.

00:07:46:11 - 00:08:10:18
Speaker 1
If it's up to me whether we all live or die, man, this is a lot of pressure. So they want you to just push the autopilot, but come hang out as a passenger with them and enjoy the ride. And there's a certain part of your CPU that is just necessarily preoccupied with thinking, how do I do any of this?

00:08:10:22 - 00:08:51:09
Speaker 1
Right. And so back to the child, the child who has the father who is doing his best to be provident, doing his best to be performative, in doing his best to be protective compromises, presents necessarily. I know, because I coach, you know, guys who are highly successful, like my prices are prohibitive. So somebody who comes here is somebody who is trying to hold it all together in this family.

00:08:51:11 - 00:09:15:22
Speaker 1
Now, if your kid growing up in that environment, there's going to be a lot of stress, stress to follow your dad's rules because you have guilt, because you feel like everything's being provided for you. You need to feel worthy of what you can perceive as your dad, no matter how he tries to hide it, breaking his frickin back to hold it all together.

00:09:15:24 - 00:09:41:12
Speaker 1
You're going to catch some strays when you hear your mom and dad in an argument, and dude is like, hey, you know, the kids aren't exactly cheap. Everything costs money. I'm worried about college. They need new clothes. They need new shoes. They need all these freaking devices. I'm killing myself. And you're complaining that I'm not spending quality time, right?

00:09:41:14 - 00:10:19:15
Speaker 1
So somehow by us, Moses, it's going to sink into that kid's head that he needs to show dad some ROI. And the irony is the anxiety and terror that comes from wanting to be worthy, but overwhelmed by the idea of ever being whatever it is that your dad is forces you into your room, and the next thing you know, you're the average freaking teenager hanging out, playing.

00:10:19:17 - 00:11:01:06
Speaker 1
You know your video games and freaking hanging out with your friends, or just hanging out in your room and being as avoidant as you can. When your mom and dad start asking you questions like about some adulting stuff, like trying to prepare you for the real world and autonomy. So if you had a perfect dad, quote unquote, meaning the dad who gave you the lifestyle.

00:11:01:08 - 00:11:36:19
Speaker 1
You might also have a feeling that your value comes from how well you perform. And I get guys in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s who are still operating according to that modality. Look at a guy like David Goggins. Now, I love David Goggins. I'm not trying to talk shit about homie. That is a that is a man's man.

00:11:36:21 - 00:12:15:09
Speaker 1
But but look at David Goggins. David Goggins is a guy who is constantly pushing himself to be better, better, better. He's the definition of a serious man. It is very evident that his entire persona is built around the idea that better, stronger, faster equals more personal value. And I always joke and say that this guy is going to be planking in his freaking casket.

00:12:15:11 - 00:12:25:12
Speaker 1
Like, still not giving up, going like, daddy, do you love me now? You know? And.

00:12:25:14 - 00:12:57:01
Speaker 1
You see this personality type in all people who manage competency addiction. You know where you're addicted to winning. You need wins to prove yourself esteem because you're actually low on self-worth and you're low on self-worth because what you didn't get was your dumbass dad, for better or worth, hanging out and telling you. Hey, bro. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

00:12:57:02 - 00:13:31:22
Speaker 1
I'm your dad and I love you. Now pull my finger. You know, you you didn't get unconditional validation. You got conditional validation. You win, you get a trophy, you lose some other kid that's better than you got a trophy. My Asian clients will tell you how brutal it is. And when I say Asian, I mean, you know, East Asia and South Asian, you know, Indian, Chinese, Korean, even Japanese, Vietnamese.

00:13:31:22 - 00:14:00:11
Speaker 1
But specifically, some of the hardest hitters tend to be Chinese, Indian and Korean. There's no shame in those father's games. If you come home with a 98, your dad doesn't say, wow, you got an A, your dad says, what did you miss? Two points. What was the question you missed? Let's look at it. Did you not study this?

00:14:00:13 - 00:14:07:01
Speaker 1
The other kid in your class got 100, but you get a 98. What did he do?

00:14:07:03 - 00:14:45:01
Speaker 1
And so when I work with Asian guys, of course, it's really foreign for them. This idea of unconditional love, bolstering self-worth and reducing your need to constantly be the highest name on the leaderboard. You know, daddy, do you approve? Daddy, do you love me? So if you are a child of that type of father, my message for you today is.

00:14:45:03 - 00:15:13:15
Speaker 1
And I have these clients, man, I keep I know I keep repeating it, but I'm thinking of a guy right now in particular whose father is a workaholic and who obviously is going to experience existential crisis when he finally has to retire. And these are the guys who don't know how to relax. They don't know how to stay still.

00:15:13:16 - 00:15:38:19
Speaker 1
They don't know how to be present. You've made millions of dollars, but you still can't just hang the fuck out, right? And so while the kid is still spending his life trying to live up to Daddy Warbucks expectations here, he's also seeing a dad who's going to die of cancer or an aneurysm because he's wrapped so freaking tight.

00:15:38:19 - 00:16:04:24
Speaker 1
And you have to ask yourself, what are the millions for? Like, was this really a life well spent? Maybe we could have done this differently. So if you're a guy whose father was that guy, if you're lucky enough that he's still alive, do the best that you can to spend time with him and see if you can get him to be present, whatever that looks like.

00:16:05:01 - 00:16:25:21
Speaker 1
Golfing, fishing, lemonade on the porch, just a drive and a chat. That's a great objective for you. Also, if you're that guy The Sun.

00:16:25:23 - 00:16:59:04
Speaker 1
Recognize that your father is not going to give you the validations that you're looking for if you don't them according to his standards. And that's okay. But trust me when I tell you that guy freaking loves you and he just wants you happy. He wants you happy, and he wants you successful because he wants you autonomous so he can finally stop carrying you.

00:16:59:06 - 00:17:31:09
Speaker 1
He just wants you to be able to stand on, on your own two feet and man, whatever that looks like for you. If you're happy, no matter what he says, ultimately he's happy, even if it forces him to challenge his own values and sensibilities. So there's that. Now, if you're that father, which is very possible for my listening audience, if you're that father, I think you got the message right.

00:17:31:10 - 00:18:03:14
Speaker 1
The message is it is no longer. We're not in the, you know, World War one and two days where the paradigm is father knows best and you come home, kick off your slippers, have wifey come out in an apron with your martini and your smoking jacket, and you sit there and read the newspaper while the children run around trying to be seen but not heard.

00:18:03:14 - 00:19:00:11
Speaker 1
And mom makes you dinner and deals with your toxic energy. That's not where we are. You are required to show respect, empathy, and presence to your wife and children. Respect means you treat them according to their value system and means allowing yourself to feel what they feel and presence means exactly what it sounds like. Get undistracted and be here now.

00:19:00:13 - 00:19:31:11
Speaker 1
I'm not going to lecture you on that, because that's not a super fun Father's Day message. Hey, you suck. You could do better. Little ironic, but real talk respect means, if nothing else, be kind and have a sense of humor. If you're concerned that you're not meeting your children and your wife with respect, the easiest way to fix it is by adopting a tone of kindness.

00:19:31:13 - 00:20:05:01
Speaker 1
Having a sense of humor, and recognizing their personal and emotional needs outside of all the boxes you're checking. And if it feels like a thankless job, dude, it is. That's why so many guys kill themselves. And that's why the male loneliness epidemic. This isn't a new thing. It's just we're finally talking about it because of the internet. But the male loneliness epidemic has been around since the first fucking caveman.

00:20:05:02 - 00:20:33:24
Speaker 1
Dude, this is not a new phenomenon. So some of the tools that we use in coaching or meditation, I have a lot of ADHD guys, and it's really hard for them to sit still. But man, meditation is valuable. If you can't sit still, then go paint a fence, or mow a lawn, or take a walk, or go rucking with a rucksack on your back.

00:20:33:24 - 00:21:02:21
Speaker 1
Or just go sit and look at a freaking, I don't know, a pond, man. Go look at a wall. Doom scrolling does not count as meditation. TV does not count as meditation. Also validate yourself. You're a good guy. You're a good guy. You're a good guy. You're a good father. You're a good man. And remember that at the end of the day, a father who is trying is a good dad.

00:21:02:24 - 00:21:40:04
Speaker 1
Really. And I've gotten pushback on that one. But I'm telling you, a father who is trying whatever that looks like is a good debt. Okay, now we've covered the what happens when you have a great father. Now let's cover the what happens when you don't have a great father. So I was one of those kids who first my I was with my dad for the first three years and he was very abusive, abused me, abused my mom.

00:21:40:04 - 00:22:13:20
Speaker 1
I still have memories of the abuse from my ages two and three, which is pretty crazy, but I kind of have a crazy brain. But I have distinct memories of being beat up by my father, of my father, beat my mom up, and now that I'm older, I get it. Like I understand it. He was young. He's a southern Italian from Philadelphia, you know, raised in an Italian family where Papa didn't take no mess.

00:22:13:23 - 00:22:39:22
Speaker 1
My grandfather, you know, was old school. He just smacked all three of the kids when somebody did something wrong, so he didn't have to figure out who did it and then let the two that were innocent beat up the one who who was guilty. So my dad was raised in an environment where there were a lot of there was a lot of stress on him.

00:22:39:24 - 00:23:17:08
Speaker 1
He probably should have never gotten together with my mother. He wasn't ready to be a dad and he was wicked abusive. Man. No two ways about it. When my mom took me, that was ten years of or I guess between the ages of two and a half and ten, whatever that is. Basically eight years. My mom was unfortunately also abusive and put me in dangerous situations where I was a victim of physical abuse.

00:23:17:10 - 00:23:21:16
Speaker 1
Sexual predation.

00:23:21:18 - 00:23:53:09
Speaker 1
Poverty, extreme poverty, extreme like homelessness. No food. No, you know, no lights, no heat, 24 different schools. Like it was it, you know, getting the shit beat out of me and having to learn how to fight. So. And moved so much that I didn't really have a click that would be supportive. We just kept moving. So it was always new, new school, new people.

00:23:53:09 - 00:24:18:05
Speaker 1
And then when I got back together with my dad out in Las Vegas, he was a little mobbed up guinea out there doing Vegas in the 80s. Shit. And this is a guy who would get drunk and pistol whip his wife and kids. Dude. I mean, I'm just going to say it like it is. Get fucking violently angry, tell you, you know, break your break your nose til you don't bleed on my rug and don't call me dad.

00:24:18:05 - 00:24:44:08
Speaker 1
And then take you around all of his Goombas and say, see how his nose is like that? It's because I fucking broke it. Like just real asshole shit. And then psychological torture, like, I just, I can't even, like, there's so much. But. So you get a guy like this, right? And you say, as a grown man, you know, I didn't really have models of what good parenting was like.

00:24:44:09 - 00:25:08:02
Speaker 1
I mean, even dumb shit, like, just driving around, like, we're driving around in like a, you know, his hit a bunch of cars. So we're in, like, his Mercedes SC edition. We're driving through the desert, like I said, circa 1984. He's got the windows rolled up in these chain smoking. I could barely breathe like he's hot box in the car.

00:25:08:04 - 00:25:27:14
Speaker 1
And he looks over at me and he's like, you gotta you got an attitude or something. And I'm like, no, dad, I'm fine. He's like, oh, okay, good. Like power tripping me. And he was a short guy. So that's part of it. Kind of like a Joe Pesci kind of vibe. Like, funny how, you know. Then later he's talking to all of his buddies in the bar.

00:25:27:18 - 00:25:52:05
Speaker 1
Hey, Dennis, go get go get me a michelob ultra for my for my buddy over here. And then, you know, he goes, hey, kid, you're starting to look like you're going to get taller than your old man there if you keep growing. And my father says, yeah, you know, I'm riding around in the fucking desert with them chain smoking, trying to stun his growth, but he's not getting any fucking, you know, he keeps growing.

00:25:52:07 - 00:26:24:06
Speaker 1
This is a true story. Dude was actually doing that. And I know it because it's just how he was. He's a guy who put gunpowder in the freaking in ground beef to make our, like, one of our Dobermans intentionally go crazy because he wanted a mean, like he just did weird shit. So here I am, the father of a child with dwarfism, profound autism, and as I like to joke, a ginger little red haired, freckled kid.

00:26:24:08 - 00:26:55:19
Speaker 1
And this kid pushes every single button I have. And my model for fathering was a guy who would absolutely punch you dead in your face for sighing when he asked you to do something with no questions asked who would absolutely throw you through a fucking plate glass window? If you dare to contradict him? A guy who would smack you in the face with a fucking bag of Scrabble letters.

00:26:55:19 - 00:27:27:04
Speaker 1
If you seem too cocky, the way you put down a word and won the game because he had little man syndrome and he didn't like to lose. How do you take that and turn that into, you know, being a good father? Well, I'll tell you for me, I took my father's alcoholism. I was drinking by ten years old, like Loki.

00:27:27:05 - 00:28:15:00
Speaker 1
Just. I was just drinking by ten years old. I was also smoking weed by ten years old. And. By 16, I was in alcoholic. And when I finally was on my own at 15.5 and put myself through school. True story. It was really hard and I ended up looking to my guidance counselors in high school as mentors. And then when I got a full four year scholarship to college, I graduated with straight A's.

00:28:15:02 - 00:28:45:07
Speaker 1
And when I got a full scholarship to a couple of colleges, and I ended up going to Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art when I was there, I also attempted to make strong connections with male figures who I could look to as paternal role models. I didn't find them that was not available in that environment.

00:28:45:11 - 00:29:17:05
Speaker 1
The result is that I got, even though I was still maintaining a 4.0 and my artwork was off the hook. It was really good because I drew a lot as a kid, as a stress management kind of self-regulation thing. I ended up looking to, some of the more hardcore bros. Out in the street, guys, I shot pool with, dudes in the hood that I was kind of running with.

00:29:17:09 - 00:29:39:07
Speaker 1
And I started really getting those street lessons, like I had already been raised in that environment, so I already kind of had that foundation. I was already I was the white kid at the cookout in the 70s. Like, that's I was already Church of God and Christ and all that. I was already in that, in that world. But that's where my mentors came from.

00:29:39:07 - 00:30:21:08
Speaker 1
Which, by the way, is how kids end up in gangs, because these guys become your fathers when your real father doesn't doesn't provide appropriate leadership. So, unsurprisingly, alcohol plus school stress plus women. Because I was a little hot boy, I was perfect, I was handsome, I was creative, I was absolutely broken. Big puppy dog eyes and father wound, lunatic mother in and out of psychiatric institutions, constantly suicidal.

00:30:21:12 - 00:31:07:01
Speaker 1
So, you know, all the hot girls would like, be like, oh, I can fix him, you know? And then next thing you know, they get my heart and my head all wrapped up, and then alcohol and weed and whatever else. And next thing you know, I'm cutting people up out in the street and going to Rikers Island. And when you go to Rikers Island in the 80s and 90s, you discover the next level of authoritarianism, because now you're dealing with cops who got their own shit and you're dealing with genuinely seasoned veteran criminals with incredible street smarts and also like, no, give a fuck the epitome, a tough love.

00:31:07:03 - 00:31:09:12
Speaker 1
So I learned some lessons there

00:31:09:14 - 00:31:32:09
Unknown
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00:31:32:09 - 00:31:39:10
Unknown
This call could change your life. Man up life coaching. Elite life coaching for men by men.

00:31:39:12 - 00:31:43:09
Speaker 1
now.

00:31:43:11 - 00:32:24:19
Speaker 1
I would have to say that as a child of, you know, a sort of a bizarre life, when I finally became a father, I will admit that I made more than a few mistakes, but I am not somebody who uses corporal punishment, so I don't use my hands. I immediately have spent my whole life. I'm 55 now and I have a teenager turning 16.

00:32:24:21 - 00:32:49:12
Speaker 1
I have spent my whole life working on my own anger management, working on, you know, being able to have a conversation with Bennet's mother without, like, making crazy eyes and staring at her neck, you know, or starting to just, like, kind of eyeball, like all the sharp objects in the room or blunt objects in the room. And I'm not saying it to be funny.

00:32:49:12 - 00:33:19:16
Speaker 1
I don't want to, like, make a joke out of domestic violence, but I know there are a lot of guys listening to this who are going to laugh because they're like, fuck, dude, I hear him. I know what he's talking about. Knowing you have your wife and your kid or kids in the car and driving aggressively as a way of like sort of flexing your power, like I did all that dumb shit chasing people down in traffic with your family in the car, like threatening to fucking run the guy off the road, all that stuff.

00:33:19:17 - 00:33:25:20
Speaker 1
These are all learned behaviors. These are all learned behaviors.

00:33:25:22 - 00:34:00:03
Speaker 1
So for the guy who comes from a violent and or negligent and or destructive, just shitty childhood where the father wound is really strong, your job is one look at the people who you think are good dads and share time with them. You know, like if you have a deeper an off road vehicle, go hang out with some good dads who go off roading on the weekends.

00:34:00:05 - 00:34:23:24
Speaker 1
You know what I mean? That's a good way. A motorcycle. Well, I was, I would say a riding club. Not not an MC, but that's a different world. But, you know, I have a bike, I ride, I, you know, some guys in a local riding club and we ride, What else?

00:34:24:01 - 00:35:05:12
Speaker 1
Men's groups in general. You know, Mike, the man up life coaching community, doubles as a group of men on a private discord server so that guys can engage with each other if they like. And, you know, we occasionally host little virtual get togethers, a Bible study, if you're Christian, the masjid, if you're Muslim, Schule if you're Jewish, you know, find men in your community, even the playground, just like it's not gay to like, chat up other dads.

00:35:05:14 - 00:35:35:16
Speaker 1
You know, men need interaction so badly, and yet we're afraid it's like gay if we talk to each other. Unless it's like it's, you know, or whatever, but, like, find men who are good role models and hang around with them so that you'll assimilate their lifestyles. Also, on the flip side of that, stay away from men who are clearly toxic.

00:35:35:18 - 00:36:01:10
Speaker 1
If you've got a buddy who's telling you about what a, you know, toxic his wife is, that should not be your friend. Like that's those are not the friends you want. Sorry, dude. Like, send them to me. I'll straighten them out. But, like, that's not your friend. And if you're trying to help your buddy in exchange for him helping you, that's some real blind leading the blind stuff.

00:36:01:10 - 00:36:24:06
Speaker 1
So don't do that. Don't do that. There's no harm in cutting ties with people who are energy vampires, man. Real talk. Next thing you can do for yourself, you need to learn the father, your own inner child. I am the poster child for this I.

00:36:24:08 - 00:37:07:21
Speaker 1
Am still healing, frankly, from my own childhood and I. If you know anything about me, you know I do like 9 to 10 one hour client sessions a day. My workdays are like often 10 to 12 hour days. I am coaching all the time by coaching other guys using what I call the coach approach, which is not a therapy approach, but being down in the shit with you and saying things like, I'm not proud of you for date rape in somebody, but I get it.

00:37:07:21 - 00:38:03:06
Speaker 1
And I've been there. I'm not proud of you for, you know, running out on your wife because hookers and blow seemed more interesting than being a family man. I'm not judging you because I've been there. I've done it. But as someone who is still healing, healing, and fathering his own inner child, I have learned that there is significant value to being in contact with other men who are ready to make positive change and exchanging notes, and when all the freaking little idiots on the internet who are, you know, hanging off of Andrew Tate's or Joe Rogan's ball sack are going calling you a simpler beater or cook because you're learning lessons like turning the other

00:38:03:06 - 00:38:36:00
Speaker 1
cheek is often the best play. You've got to override your desire to kill them. And you got to just say, hey, man, I've paid the iron price for these man lessons that I'm learning. And as it turns out, love really is the answer. And no, that's not hippie shit. That's the truth. Because if you can't love your inner child, you can't love your own child.

00:38:36:02 - 00:39:08:08
Speaker 1
That's just how that works. You can't love anyone or anything if you don't have the love to offer. And that comes from you, dude, you have to love yourself. So what does that look like? It looks like telling yourself all the time, stop criticizing yourself. I can look at my own face right now, which I can see as I'm recording this, because this is a solo cast and I put on an orange hat.

00:39:08:08 - 00:39:43:03
Speaker 1
If you're listening, you don't know that I'm sitting here in an orange hockey hat that one of my fire EMT hockey clients, gave me as a gift. And I'm wearing a goofy full, sort of like a fauna patterned, brightly colored Hawaiian shirt. The the idea was a little shtick for Father's Day, and I thought I was going to do something goofy, like, hey, we have dicks.

00:39:43:04 - 00:40:09:01
Speaker 1
Isn't that cool? Hey, enjoy your fucking grilling out or whatever. But then all of a sudden the voices took over, and now we're having this really serious conversation about fatherhood, which I think is probably important. And I trust the voices when they tell me what to say on these things. So I'm looking at myself in the mirror. Now, look, man, I see the salt and pepper beard.

00:40:09:01 - 00:40:31:08
Speaker 1
And I know that when I look back to pictures just eight years ago, my shit was like dark brown. I see my eyes and I can see me getting bags under my eyes and crow's feet. I can see my crooked teeth. I can see some weird lines on my neck and throat. I'm starting to look like a goddamn old guy.

00:40:31:08 - 00:40:59:11
Speaker 1
At 55 years old, we're basically. Gen Xers are basically the freshman class of the seniors where the youngest old person, while simultaneously being the oldest young person. I see that now I have a choice. Do I hate on myself or do I say, hey, dude, you're a good guy. You're a nice guy. You're handsome guy for your age, it doesn't matter anyway.

00:40:59:12 - 00:41:20:05
Speaker 1
Like you're going to end up dead like everybody else. But you're a good person. Anybody who looks at you can see the kindness in your eyes. They can hear it in your voice. You've done a lot of positive work, and you know what? You shit, wipe and flush like everybody else. And don't put yourself up on a cross.

00:41:20:05 - 00:41:59:01
Speaker 1
And don't criticize yourself and punish yourself for what you perceive to be your faults. Instead, recognize them as opportunities for work and grind it the fuck out like you grind everything out. Don't quit. So I need you to do the same thing. I need you to look yourself in the mirror and instead of seeing a compilation of, you know, a collection of faults that you enumerate and say, I won't be happy until whatever I need you to say instead, you know, just like God saying, this is my son with whom I am well pleased.

00:41:59:01 - 00:42:28:05
Speaker 1
If you are a religious person, and if not, just go out in nature and just look at how nature operates, it does not read according to good and bad. It is what it is. Everything is what it is. So you, homie, are what you are. Observe the opportunities that are areas for improvement and either work on them solo or hire me and I'll help you fix them or fucking hire somebody else.

00:42:28:05 - 00:42:55:11
Speaker 1
I don't care, it doesn't have to be me. But my point is, recognize where the opportunities for growth are and work on them. But also tell yourself, let the father in you. Tell your inner child, dude, you've been through a lot and you're a good guy. You're a good guy. Yeah, but I sliced a few guys necks up.

00:42:55:13 - 00:43:23:18
Speaker 1
Well, sometimes guys get cut. Yeah, well, I date raped a couple of people. You know what? Don't do that anymore, because that's a bad move, you know? But you can't. You can't give up on yourself if you've done bad things. I mean, I can keep doing this all day. Whatever. Just whatever you think your terrible thing is. I cheated on my wife, I, which I didn't.

00:43:23:18 - 00:44:01:22
Speaker 1
That's not one of my transgressions. The last two. Yeah, but but I'm not a I never cheated on a on on a wife. Girlfriends. Yes, but I've been on both sides of that. You know, young people are little horny dogs and they do bad things. But my point is, my point is, my point is, no matter what your transgressions are, no matter what unforgivable thing you think you've done, I'm going to go so far as to say, I don't even care if you were on Epstein Island with the pizza and grape soda, if you were like a monster doing the very worst shit that a human can do.

00:44:01:24 - 00:44:40:15
Speaker 1
If you realize in your heart that's not okay. And if you say, basically, I repent. I'm I recognize it's like Coach Bear Bryant, who is a famously the the coach of the fucking Crimson Tide man, the University of Alabama. Right. The guy with the houndstooth hat. Great, great, great coach. And he always said, when you make a mistake, there's only three things you should do one, admit it to learn from it.

00:44:40:15 - 00:45:03:08
Speaker 1
And three, don't repeat it. So if you're somebody with a whole list of what you consider to be unforgivable sins, fuck all that, man. Own it. Was it a bad idea? Yes, it probably was. Did you learn from it? I'll tell you what. I learned a lot from my time. You know, the years I spent in and out of jail.

00:45:03:09 - 00:45:31:20
Speaker 1
Rikers Island, Orleans Parish prison down in Louisiana, fucking Vista detention center over here in California. Like I made some mistakes. Yes, I learned from it. Just as I learned as much, if not more, from that as I did from being, you know, an academic with a freaking valedictorian, 4.0, you know, superstar, you know, high school and college student.

00:45:31:20 - 00:46:02:02
Speaker 1
I learned equally from the good stuff and the bad stuff. Learn from it and don't repeat it. Now, it's hard when you try not to repeat it, but an old habit kicks in and you fuck up. I get it, but that's where you just have to trust your own stubbornness. If you keep trying, eventually you'll break through. And again, coaching is huge because you might not believe in yourself, but your coach might believe in you.

00:46:02:02 - 00:46:47:03
Speaker 1
And through a combination of curriculum, compassion, and challenging you to lean into your discomfort, a coach can prove to you that you can teach an old dog new tricks. Now, let me address the third avatar here. As far as fathers go, which is the guy who never had a dad. Weirdly enough, for as bad as my dad was, my dad died and my he left specific instructions for no one to have me at his will.

00:46:47:03 - 00:47:39:21
Speaker 1
And my Italian family, who plays those little reindeer games, literally did not tell me that my father had died. And so I found out within like two months of his death, because I just happened to Google his name and found the obituary. So when you talk about carrying a grudge to your grave, my father literally carried a grudge to his grave, never apologized for all the heinous shit, and got the final fuck you by making sure that the obituary written by one of my cousins and sort of coauthored by him, completely made no mention of the fact that he had a son.

00:47:39:23 - 00:48:08:09
Speaker 1
For all of that, I am still here to say better that I had a bad dad than no dad. That is the one thing that I will say. The very worst thing, worse than a bad dad, is to have no dad. And when I was growing up, between the ages of three and ten, my mom, who did the best she could, but she was.

00:48:08:10 - 00:48:35:03
Speaker 1
She had me at 19. And she's absolutely nuts. Like, literally like like clinically insane, like laundry. List of conditions. Took big drugs like lithium, you know, Prozac, prolix. And like, all this shit was literally in and out of institutions. Would take her shirt off and, like, go walking in traffic and try to kill herself. Nuts. I'm telling you, nuts like bipolar, all kinds of shit.

00:48:35:05 - 00:48:56:03
Speaker 1
So living with her was an environment where I would have liked to have had a dad to protect me from her craziness. And I also other kids had dads and I didn't. And so, you know, I ended up being like a little queer mo I didn't like I was I on top of that, I think I'm probably on the spectrum.

00:48:56:03 - 00:49:28:06
Speaker 1
I'm fairly sure I'm autistic. My son is level three autism. You know, as I said, mom was, you know, clinically bananas to use layman's terms. So I think I'm on the spectrum, if I can be honest savant in some areas, probably some autism in ADHD in other areas. My point for saying this is, I could have I could have really used a dad during those times.

00:49:28:08 - 00:49:54:01
Speaker 1
And not having a dad obviously affected me when I went to live with my dad. The abuse was extreme psychological, emotional, physical. It was extreme. My dad was really a bad guy. But even still, I will admit that it was better to have had a bad dad than no dad. So for those of you, I just on boarded a couple of clients today.

00:49:54:01 - 00:50:18:21
Speaker 1
One never knew his dad, the other one, they got divorced when he was younger than one years old. But these guys went into the military. Why? Because they're looking for structure. They're looking for order. They're looking for masculine camaraderie. I get a lot of military guys. I get PD, fire department. I also get a lot of it guys.

00:50:19:00 - 00:50:30:16
Speaker 1
That's. Which is just another thing. But so executives but so for all of these.

00:50:30:18 - 00:50:52:08
Speaker 1
Different types of guys, the guy who had the great father and he doesn't know how to stand up to his dad and be his own man, he can't grow in the shadow of greatness. He's afraid to outshine the master, the guy like me who comes from, you know, being fucking whipped with an extension cord until you have welts or fucking literally beaten with a fucking spiked bat.

00:50:52:09 - 00:51:22:14
Speaker 1
All that time of crazy shit. For the for the guy who has no dad. You're the one I feel most for, dude, honestly, because you there. You have nothing to work with. And if your dad abandoned you, there might have been a good reason. I'm not going to hate on your dad. I don't know if your dad died.

00:51:22:14 - 00:51:58:22
Speaker 1
I am sorry for you. And I hope in your next life you get like. I hope you get rewarded. Because being a dude who loses his dad early, especially if you love your dad, that's fucked up. That's really, really hard. So if you're somebody who's lost his dad. I'm sorry. For somebody who has lived without a dad because your dad and your mom got divorced, that's hard to.

00:51:58:22 - 00:52:38:14
Speaker 1
And if your dad just jetted and was never in your life, that's hard. If you're a child of divorce and you come from a split home, that's difficult to. If you're that guy, if you're the guy who was raised in that environment where you either had no dad all, like, because he died or you had no dad because he left and he abandoned, again, I'm going to suggest that you find positive male mentors, and I would be careful to avoid.

00:52:38:16 - 00:53:04:02
Speaker 1
Getting all of your information from a singular source. I rip Andrew Tate because he's obviously a certain kind of guy. Like his brand is a little off brand for me, but I don't. I don't hate on the guy. I mean, I'd hang out with them. We'd probably have a great time. I do respect him as a human being, and I think he shows a lot of opportunity for growth.

00:53:04:02 - 00:53:29:19
Speaker 1
I'm a little bit older. I frankly love to be his coach. I could show a brother like that. A whole lot of love, man. I'm not hating on the guy. But as far as somebody that younger people look up to, I'm concerned about some of his messaging, if I'm honest. So if you never had a dad or if you had a, you know, you think you had a pussy dad or whatever, and you think that that ruined your masculinity and gave you low testosterone.

00:53:29:19 - 00:53:35:23
Speaker 1
And so now you're trying to hang out with guys like Andrew Tate.

00:53:36:00 - 00:54:09:18
Speaker 1
I think that that's you want to you want to split the difference between listening the guys like that and listening guys all the way over on the other end, like Eckhart Tolle, who are these soft spoken spiritualists? There's I don't get caught in the trap that manly means like that. You have to be a macho tool bag. There are some very good fathers who are very good men and are what you would call soybeans.

00:54:09:20 - 00:54:37:00
Speaker 1
Right? They're vegans, they're vegetarians. They wear a man bun. They where fucking fingernail polish or have fucking piercings or whatever their shit is. I'm not out here trying to hate on those guys. I'm not trying to hate on some dude that's out there in a fucking, you know, in a kilt at Burning Man or something, juggling flaming dildos on a unicycle.

00:54:37:01 - 00:55:26:06
Speaker 1
That could be a guy who has a kid and has a great relationship with his, with his son and loves him in his own way. So my point is, if you never had a dad, I would encourage you not to be too literal about what a real man is and what a real man isn't. Once again, a good man is a guy who, if I wanted to use Christian language, which, you know, I have clients who who are Jewish Orthodox, I have clients who are all flavors of Christian, from latter day Saint to church, God in Christ to Baptists to Catholic to Protestant.

00:55:26:08 - 00:55:50:02
Speaker 1
I have guys who were Muslim, Arab, Indian, whatever we. I don't care what you call God. And if you're an agnostic and you're just like, I believe there's something, but I just want to think of it more as like a quantum entanglement situation than like a man in the sky. I don't care what your dam is, dude.

00:55:50:02 - 00:56:13:06
Speaker 1
I'm not going to tell you you're right or wrong. That's not. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not a priest. I'm not a guru. But I will say whatever God is, I know what that is. And I'm good with what that is. And I have a strong personal relationship. When nobody else was there. That which cannot be named was there for me and you.

00:56:13:08 - 00:56:48:11
Speaker 1
Once you open that door, you can't go back. So if you can meditate and you can practice peace, you can still go to the gym and get fucking jacked and, you know, practice. You know, like I box, I wrestle, I, you know, have some limited BJJ. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a scrappy fuck dude I lift you know so I mean I'll, I'll, I'll throw down with a guy I'm not afraid to get dirty.

00:56:48:13 - 00:57:18:12
Speaker 1
But what I'm saying is I like to think of myself as sort of a peaceful warrior man. Like, I'm not out here starting shit. I'm out here avoiding shit. So get right with peace. Practice silence. Don't walk around the world with knife hands. You're not a victim. The world's not against you, father. You're inner child with peace.

00:57:18:14 - 00:57:45:02
Speaker 1
Father. Your inner child with strength. Father, your inner child with love. And know that a good man is in fact a gentle man. If he's also simultaneously kind of like a loud, brash asshole like me, I always joke and say, I would love to say that if I were the captain of the of the enterprise, you know, for Star Trek fans that I would be Captain Picard.

00:57:45:02 - 00:58:12:12
Speaker 1
But unfortunately, I know that I'd be Captain Kirk. I know that I'm that bold William Shatner type of asshole. I know that about myself. But also I love that about myself. Be strong, be quiet, practice peace. Be authentic. Surround yourself with other good dudes.

00:58:12:14 - 00:58:46:12
Speaker 1
Be kind to women. Be kind to men. It sounds so. Like I said, it sounds like really not the kind of messaging that you would hear from the fuck up life coaching, right? But if you get far enough down the line, these are the things you learn. I am operating in the capacity of being a paternal voice, and sometimes just a straight up rent a dad for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of men.

00:58:46:14 - 00:59:15:02
Speaker 1
I'm not inflating numbers when I say 25,000 hours or more doing this job. I father my inner child on the daily. I am an ad hoc father for a bunch of men on the daily, even guys older than me, which is fascinating. Like 67 year old client and I'm teaching him lessons he should have learned as a teenager.

00:59:15:04 - 00:59:22:19
Speaker 1
Like you're acting like a big old spoiled kid. Dial that in.

00:59:22:21 - 00:59:51:07
Speaker 1
As a father on this Father's Day. If you are a dad and you are in your kid's life, you are enough. That is number one. Number two, if you want to step up your game, remember what I said? That practicing respect for your wife and kids. Practicing empathy, which means allowing yourself to feel what they feel, which is hard for us.

00:59:51:07 - 01:00:09:19
Speaker 1
We don't like that. And we'd like to compartmentalize. Let yourself feel the sad feelings just like a brownie and you're catching a bad one. Let yourself feel those feelings and.

01:00:09:21 - 01:00:42:08
Speaker 1
What was the third one? Respect. Empathy. Oh, and presence. That's so fucking ironic. What was the third one? Presence. Be present. Be present with who you are. Sharing space with what you're doing here. That bird smell. That freaking cut grass. Like, feel the barometric pressure. Feel the temperature change. Watch the shadows change. Be feel the fabric that your fingers are touching.

01:00:42:09 - 01:01:11:08
Speaker 1
Feel your ass in the chair. Be present. Listen to your kid breathe. Listen to your kid's voice because it's going to change. And you're going to look back and be like, oh, his voice was so much different. Be present. If you were a father and you're in your kid's life, you're enough. If you're practicing respect for your family, practicing empathy, and practicing presence, you're crushing.

01:01:11:10 - 01:01:38:10
Speaker 1
And if you're also able to protect, provide and perform, you're a fucking stud, dude. Okay, fathers, I'm going to end here. We're at the one hour mark. I love you dudes. For real. That's why I'm wearing this stupid outfit. Because I'm trying to make you laugh. I love you, I respect you, I feel you, and I'm always the shoulder to cry on.

01:01:38:12 - 01:02:09:13
Speaker 1
If we don't work together. If you ever need somebody to talk to, you can literally text me. Dennis at Manafort, coach. And I will respond. Until then, have a happy Father's Day. Enjoy your weekend and please do like, follow and subscribe. And if you've got the funds and you think you'd like to work with a life coach, manna Life coaching is a really good organization.

01:02:09:14 - 01:02:13:01
Speaker 1
That's all I got and I'll see you on the next one. Thanks, guys.