Pass or Fail: The Only Fatherhood Standard High-Achieving Men Need to Hear | S01E14

You're making good money, the house is covered, and your kids have everything they need.

So why does your kid look at you like a stranger when you walk through the door?

That's not a money problem. That's a presence problem, and if you're honest with yourself, you already knew it before you clicked play.

Dennis Procopio (The Bro Coach®) and Andrew Bontz get into the conversation most successful dads avoid. Andrew's got teenage daughters who come to him for snacks and grocery money, and that's about it. Dennis has a 15-year-old son with autism, dwarfism, and a hair-trigger temper who once held him hostage over watching Zootopia 2 on dad's Amazon account instead of the iPad it was already on. These aren't hypotheticals, this is just fathering, and nobody warned you it would look like this.

You can out-earn every guy in your zip code and still lose your kids, not because you failed at providing, but because you never stopped long enough to just be there.

This episode covers the four things Dennis sees high-performing dads struggling with most: financial anxiety, relationship with their partner, genuine connection with their kids, and the work-life treadmill that quietly erodes all four. 

TIMESTAMPS 0:00 - Fatherhood: What High-Performing Guys Don't Talk About 2:18 - The Four Things Dads Struggle With in Coaching 4:47 - Financial Anxiety and the Provider Trap 9:27 - Work-Life Balance and the Achievement Treadmill 16:09 - The Pass/Fail Standard for Fatherhood 19:10 - The Father Wound You're Carrying Into Your Kids 31:22 - The Doom Scroll Cycle Destroying Your Home Life 36:07 - Screen Time, Gen Z IQ, and the Idiocracy Problem 41:26 - Why Presence Matters More Than Providing 50:14 - Breathe, Smile, Validate: Handling the Hard Moments 54:04 - Be the Mirror Your Kids See Themselves In

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why confusing financial security with genuine presence is costing you the relationship you actually want
• The pass/fail fatherhood standard most high-achieving men have already met without knowing it
• How the father wound you're carrying shapes the dad you're becoming
• Why managing every detail of your kid's life isn't the same as being in it
• How hiding in your work creates a resentment cycle at home that quietly compounds
• Why showing up and trying is the only metric that actually matters

THIS HITS IF YOU'RE

• Providing everything your family needs but feeling like a stranger in your own home
• Parenting on autopilot while your real relationship with your kids fades out
• Working long hours and calling it providing when part of you knows it's also avoidance
• Carrying baggage from your own dad and not sure what to do with it
• Done with generic dad advice that ignores the life you're actually living

TAKE ACTION Free 30-minute strategy session: https://www.manuplifecoaching.com/application

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ABOUT THE SHOW The Bro Coach® Podcast with Dennis Procopio. Not red-pill garbage. Not therapy. Real coaching for guys who achieved success but missed the point. Dennis has 25,000+ hours working with high-earning men ($150K to $3M+) who look successful but feel stuck.

Transcript

00:00:00:06 - 00:00:27:13
Speaker 1
Most men want more. More clarity. More respect. More control over their lives. But few know how to get it. Welcome to the pro coach podcast with Dennis Procopio, the founder of Man Up Life Coaching and the man behind thousands of transformed lives. Not red pill, not therapy. Just the evolved man's blueprint for strength, presence and purpose. Welcome to another amazing episode of the Bro Coach podcast.

00:00:27:14 - 00:00:33:08
Speaker 1
I am Andrew Bontz and I am with Dennis Procopio here tonight. Thanks for being here, Dennis.

00:00:33:10 - 00:00:50:14
Speaker 2
Hey, thanks for having me. I am Dennis, I'm the bro coach and bro. I have been doing some coaching lately. The world is getting weird and I'm here for it. Andrew, what are we talking about today, bro?

00:00:50:16 - 00:00:52:22
Speaker 1
Bunch of weird shit. No, it's just.

00:00:52:23 - 00:01:16:05
Speaker 2
Interesting life, Brian. Like you can't sleep on how weird life actually is. Everybody's, like, got their blinders on, trying to act like you're not waiting for the atomic bomb to finally drop or for the fucking aliens to show up. But anyway, in the meantime, yeah, this is fine. So what do we got? What's our topic for today?

00:01:16:07 - 00:01:21:20
Speaker 1
Speaking of weird shit and aliens, I want to talk about fatherhood and children. Right.

00:01:21:22 - 00:01:45:06
Speaker 2
Yeah. That's right. Because you have never felt more like a stranger in your own home than when you're dealing with this little. This little parasite. Which is your child who you love so much. But God damn it, some times, father. And can I get an amen?

00:01:45:08 - 00:02:17:24
Speaker 1
Yeah, man. I mean, you talk with a lot of high performing guys, and I think, oftentimes we see these successful dudes on paper on Instagram, but you don't see behind the curtain, you don't see the struggles they're going through. You don't see their pitfalls when it comes to being a dad. So I'm curious what some what are some commonalities you see as you talk with the high performing dudes in sessions and such that where they're stubborn, they're tall or struggling with with parenting and that whole adventure?

00:02:18:01 - 00:02:50:17
Speaker 2
Yeah, I feel you. So the first thing I think I need to do is, is, for the listening audience. So I'm 55 years old, and I've been doing what I do for a long time. My existing, you know, legacy is that I work with people of all ages. So I might have a client who is in his, late 20s, early 30s who just got married, and they're about to have their first baby.

00:02:50:19 - 00:03:22:02
Speaker 2
Or I might have the guy who's dealing with, you know, a teenage son and daughter and trying to get them to work out whatever they're, you know, you know, favorite child, favorite parent narrative happens to be, I have clients who, have like myself. My son is 15. He's autistic. He has dwarfism. He's a ginger kid.

00:03:22:08 - 00:03:52:02
Speaker 2
He's he's a whole situation. And so my son Ben, I love him, but, yeah, he's not a garden variety kid. And so you have parents like that who are parents of kids with disabilities or haven't yet been diagnosed. But something's going on. There's teen angst. Whatever. And then you have the guys who are up there in the years who have adult kids, and they're saying, hey, my kid.

00:03:52:02 - 00:04:14:02
Speaker 2
And this is a true story. I'm drawing literally from a client experience. Hey, I made a ton of money. I'm a boomer who owns houses and really won the game of life. But I have a 30 year old son who's living with me, and he's a glorified teenager, and I don't know how to get him out of the house.

00:04:14:02 - 00:04:47:09
Speaker 2
What do I do? So my caveat is this is not a one size fits all othering conversation, but what all of my father conversations have in common with the men in this culture is that, concerns are like, number one, there's the dad who's like, I always want to make sure that I can provide, stability for my kid and for my family.

00:04:47:11 - 00:05:20:03
Speaker 2
Show me a dad. His first concern is making sure. And his kid has not just a roof over his head and food in his belly, but I want him to have the things that other kids have. I want him to have the educational in him or her, to have the educational advantages that other kids have. I when my son or daughter or daughters or whatever, looks good, I look good.

00:05:20:05 - 00:05:56:10
Speaker 2
So the number one thing that comes into sessions is anxiety about, creating financial not just stability, but security for I'm going to I'm going to keep running them through. The second thing that I hear a lot is, You may have parents who are divorced, and he's the guy who has, you know, split custody of the kids.

00:05:56:12 - 00:06:27:13
Speaker 2
Or you may have the family that, you know, everybody lives together, or you might have some version of that, right? Like, you know, there are all sorts of, like, arrangements out there. Invariably, one of the conversations that I'm in with dads is their relationship, whether it's relationship to their wife, relationship to their new girlfriend slash stepmom figure or whatever.

00:06:27:15 - 00:06:58:09
Speaker 2
You're not going to have a good fathering experience if you don't have a unified front in the relationship department. So a hidden sort of condition of being a good parent as a dad is having a healthy relationship because you're modeling for your kids. This is what healthy relationships look and feel like. So I have dads who are concerned because they're like, you know, I'm losing my shit in front of my kids, and I know it's not okay.

00:06:58:09 - 00:07:57:04
Speaker 2
And my wife has called me on it. Or my wife comes from a traumatic background, and she doesn't realize how intense her energy is. She causes a lot. And it's it's a problem. So there's that phase one security to relationship quality with the wife or or whatever. Three is just my kid like me. Like when I was a an art teacher, in my 20s, I was already having conversations, that facilitated communication between parents in their 40s and their teen kids, because I was a teen art teacher, and I was sort of in between their ages generationally, so I could serve as sort of a, you know, a mediator, which is

00:07:57:06 - 00:08:17:16
Speaker 2
how I ended up being a coach. And I would, help the kid to realize, you know, your parents don't. Your dad doesn't hate you. Your dad loves you. My dad thinks I'm stupid and I'm a piece of garbage or whatever. And then I'd come to the parents and say, your kid loves you. I don't know where you're getting that from.

00:08:17:16 - 00:09:00:10
Speaker 2
All I'm getting is, like, attitude and shade. They never talk to me. They live in their room. You know, I really everything nice to say. Like, they're very combative. So the third thing is relationship. Dads are super stressed out about wanting to have a good relationship with their their kids. And then I guess the final thing I would have like to end on three, since it's such a nice number, but I guess the fourth thing, if I had to be honest, is really just, work life balance.

00:09:00:12 - 00:09:27:10
Speaker 2
I see a lot of guys who are working because they're kind of on the treadmill, and the treadmill is what pays, you know, sort of the, the bills for the operation. But the result is that any chance that he gets to spend time with his kids feels rushed. He's got his work on his mind, his energy isn't chill.

00:09:27:12 - 00:10:03:10
Speaker 2
He's jacked up because he's just constantly, you know, you know, money, money money money, work work work work. You know, it's hard for him to relax. And so you have a wife and a kid who are looking for dad to be present. And arguably, one of the biggest benefits of coaching is that I teach, guys exactly about how to be present, how to establish a work life balance, how to engage with your kids differently, how to have better exchanges with your, weight for significant other.

00:10:03:12 - 00:10:22:09
Speaker 2
And, as far as financial security to just come up with the plan, follow the plan, trust the process. But don't be so worried about money all the time that your scarcity, mindset becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

00:10:22:11 - 00:10:44:15
Speaker 1
So it sounds like it almost fits in maybe two areas, right? Like, we've talked a lot about this. I like the relationship with yourself. Like your ability to show up and be present and be the, you know, lead yourself first. So then you can, you know, lead your relationship, but then allows you to lead your family.

00:10:44:17 - 00:10:56:11
Speaker 1
It's kind of how like maybe like the me reading between the lines there, is that on point with you or or do you see a little different?

00:10:56:13 - 00:11:31:19
Speaker 2
Well. One of the things that I think any man can do for himself in life, regardless of whether he's going to be married or not, regardless of whether he's going to have a girlfriend or not. Regardless of whether he's going to have kids or not. The first thing a guy has to do is really lock his mindset into place.

00:11:31:19 - 00:11:54:20
Speaker 2
And the challenge with that is, and like you said, it's something we freakin talk about all the time. I had a I just got out of a session before coming in here with you and, bitching about my camera quality. I just got I just know did is don't break the fourth wall. I'm talking to you. But.

00:11:54:20 - 00:12:19:06
Speaker 2
Yeah. Anyway, the this the session that I had before this with is with the young was with a young guy who is like, hey, for the first time in my life, my wife's not the breadwinner. I'm the breadwinner. And in fact, I'm not only the breadwinner. Like, I'm on target to totally smoke her in terms of productivity.

00:12:19:08 - 00:13:01:15
Speaker 2
So I'm having a conversation with her about letting go of her boss babe identity and starting to think more about maybe how does trad wife sound? Because daddy's making the big bucks and, you know, and and so we were talking and we were laughing, talking about it because he was coming into it with anxiety, because his old mindset was a is a mindset of scarcity and his way of relating to his wife was still based on the idea that she was like, you know, like Mommy Warbucks over here.

00:13:01:17 - 00:13:39:11
Speaker 2
And that he was like, oh, the, you know, the, you know, the musician boyfriend, you know, bumming money first, you know, breakfast and cigarets. And so I said, yeah, you have to get your mindset right. Like the mindset that you have to come into when you talk to your wife has to be a mindset in which you understand your your value, you understand your worth, and you're willing to negotiate with her.

00:13:39:13 - 00:14:11:07
Speaker 2
And she's like, shit, I've heard you say the negotiate thing before, but it makes a lot of sense that the energy that I should be bringing to the like, the negotiation table, is a kind of a confidence that kind of like rather than being the person who is like giving off, I don't deserve this job. But I was at the interview being the person who comes in is like, I'm sure we're gonna figure this out.

00:14:11:07 - 00:14:59:00
Speaker 2
There's a deal here somewhere. We'll find it. So mindset is critical now. She's like, what kind of pisses me off is that I feel good now that I'm making the money, and then I prove myself. But in looking back, I wish I would have had this mindset prior to knocking it out of the park. The reason that I say that is because it makes me fear that if something should go wrong in business, and I were to sort of go, you know, have a bad year or have a bad couple of quarters or something going, oh.

00:14:59:02 - 00:15:44:03
Speaker 2
Then all of a sudden there goes my confidence, there goes my winter mindset. And that's going to kind of upset the applecart energetically. So to answer your question, yeah. Mindset is first. It's mindset first. If you're a dad, here's a mindset for you. I don't give a damn if you make a million plus a year or if your wife makes all the money and you walk around the house with, you know, an apron and freaking curlers in your hair, I don't care.

00:15:44:05 - 00:16:09:09
Speaker 2
I don't care what your situation. I don't care if you're driving, you know, delivering UberEats, you know, you know, as a single dad trying to just make enough money to pay for an apartment so that your kid has a place to stay. When do you get visitations from your evil ex? I don't care what your situation is.

00:16:09:11 - 00:16:45:19
Speaker 2
I want your mindset to be. I love my child or children, and a good dad is a dad who shows up. That's it. And the devil's in the details on me. For. Yeah, yeah. And that's so hard for for guys to wrap their heads around. Here's one. Show me a show me a man who grew up in a fatherless house.

00:16:45:21 - 00:17:04:20
Speaker 2
And then, no matter how much money mom made or trust fund money was there or whatever. Show me, a guy who grew up in a fatherless house. And then show me a guy who had a dad in his life.

00:17:04:22 - 00:17:39:03
Speaker 2
Even if the dad who was in his life was an asshole. And there are plenty, there's plenty of that going around. We're all kind of assholes. We're well-intentioned, but we're dudes, right? No matter how egregious the parenting mistakes the dad imagines he's made, or that the mom says you ruined the child showing your fault you're a terrible dad, or the kid is like, you know, everything's your fault, dad.

00:17:39:05 - 00:18:09:04
Speaker 2
You know, no matter how much of that you have to weather, here's a reality show. Me a kid who had no dad. And show me a kid who had a dad. There is a notable difference. Children need dads and a dad who's in the kid's life. It's. It's pass or fail. Fail. If you're in your kid's life. And if you're trying, you're a good dad.

00:18:09:06 - 00:18:40:14
Speaker 1
So how much of this whole game is if. Because I feel like there's kind of two types of dads out there. There's the dad that's trying to, like, give the life to his kids. That was better than he got, right? And maybe that's seeing a dad who, you know, busted his butt on the manufacturing line for $8 an hour for 40 years and didn't have anything to show for it.

00:18:40:14 - 00:19:10:15
Speaker 1
But. Or there's the dad that you're you're trying not to be right towards, like, well, I'm not going to be my dad, right? Because my dad was this right. And you're kind of navigating which and some maybe some times you're trying to not be your dads. Sometimes you're trying to model your dad, but how much is that part of this challenge that that men have with parenting?

00:19:10:17 - 00:20:02:23
Speaker 2
Dude, you are you are cracking open a very, very, very like, this is a subject for the ages. It's every generation has kids who are trying to heal a father wound. And the father wound can be that there is a dad who was negligent, like, I remember a famous piece of art where it was like the dad in a business suit with his briefcase, like, but all you could see it was his back.

00:20:03:00 - 00:20:40:18
Speaker 2
And it was so iconic because it was like my dad, this business man who lives in the house and apparently provides the, you know, the funding for this operation and also occasionally comes in and has the power to tell everybody what to do. So there's, so, there's so there's so there's one version of the, you know, father, one story where it was like my dad was never there for me.

00:20:40:18 - 00:21:15:20
Speaker 2
I never developed a relationship with my dad. There's a version of the father's story where it's, my dad beat my ass, and I'll never put my hands on my kids because my dad beat my ass. And there's this story that because my dad was business suit and briefcase guy, I am going to design a life where I prioritize being home and being present with my kids.

00:21:15:22 - 00:21:54:11
Speaker 2
And so then the father wound becomes, you know, my dad was always, like, around and in my life and there and loving and supportive. And so now I don't know how to go off on my own and be autonomous because I was kind of raised in a bubble, and now I'm sort of dependent on my dad. Like, you can't fucking win, dude.

00:21:54:11 - 00:22:07:17
Speaker 2
Like every time you try to say, here's what was wrong with my childhood, so I'm going to fix it. By doing this, you're going to get a generation of kids who villainize you for doing that, not something else.

00:22:07:19 - 00:22:19:07
Speaker 1
Do you find, like, the high performing guys you work with have similar stories in common with their father wounds and such?

00:22:19:09 - 00:22:29:10
Speaker 2
Nah. Not really. Everybody's got their own thing. Here's I mean, you know, I've been doing this for a lot of years, but here are some of the stories I've I've heard.

00:22:29:12 - 00:22:55:19
Speaker 2
My dad drove out into a field, put a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out. And interestingly, his dad did the same thing. And that's why I'm gay. That's one story. That's not a common one, but that's one. Another one is my dad beat the holy shit out of me my entire childhood because he was raised old school with you.

00:22:55:19 - 00:23:36:20
Speaker 2
Now, you know, American boomer with, you know, first generation, you know, American from Europe or whatever in Nigeria or Latin America or wherever. So I grew up with a heavy handed dad or, my dad died early in my life, so he wasn't around. So I kind of had to step up and try to be like a man at a younger age and found myself having, like, being invalidated by my mom and not having a dad around to support me.

00:23:36:22 - 00:24:11:08
Speaker 2
Or my dad was incredibly successful, and, my entire life, I felt like I was growing up in the shadow of, you know, I was this sapling trying to grow in the shadow of this. You know, giant oak tree. And how in the holy hell am I ever going to impress my father like my father literally created a company that makes triple digit millions.

00:24:11:10 - 00:24:46:21
Speaker 2
You know, and. I graduated college, had a couple of crap jobs, but so far, I haven't done anything useful with my MBA. And he thinks I'm, trust fund, baby, you know, you know, piece of shit or whatever. So it's like, I can't, unfortunately, say that all of these guys have a father story in common. What I can say they do have in common is they all have in common that, like me, they want to.

00:24:46:23 - 00:25:15:21
Speaker 2
And you, I know you, I we. But you're my client, too. You know, you you know, you have three daughters. I have two sons. One who lives with me, one who doesn't. I, I have in common with you and all of the other guys and man up life coaching that even though I am a high earner, I'm not in the clear.

00:25:15:23 - 00:26:01:02
Speaker 2
I'm not like I don't have, like, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk money. So I still worry to a certain degree about making enough money to satisfy the quality of life that I've created for my family. I think about making sure that, you know, I provide, especially for my son Bennett, who has special needs that I, provide, the opportunity for him to take advantage of his many, services as possible.

00:26:01:04 - 00:26:37:03
Speaker 2
Like all of my guys, the guys who are concerned about, like, college and education and things like that, they're constantly worrying, like, how much is college going to cost? You know, so what you end up with is dudes who are so, again, concerned about trying to manage the terrarium that their kids are being sort of raised in, that they forget to have a relationship with them.

00:26:37:05 - 00:26:45:19
Speaker 1
So it's funny, was like, it sounds like what you're saying with all these stories, there is like, no matter what you do, you're going to creates wounds.

00:26:45:21 - 00:27:13:23
Speaker 2
Oh yeah. Dude, I know this. Men are terrible and anything we do is wrong. Have you not do you not have access to the internet? Yeah. So, yeah, there's no good thing you can do. You were born with a dick. So you're a garbage person. The end. But don't stop trying. Yeah. Which is why men need men.

00:27:13:23 - 00:27:38:08
Speaker 2
Because we're the only ones who can validate each other and be like, hey, man, do you feel like the patriarchy? Because I don't. Do you feel like you're winning in your dynamic with your wife? Because I know. Do you feel like you're the bully in your dynamic with your kids? Because I feel like I'm the one who's eating all this shit over here.

00:27:38:10 - 00:27:55:22
Speaker 2
But still, I'm trying. I'm trying. And that's was my point. My point is a dad who is present and a dad who is trying is a dad who gets the the Father's Day card. The end. That's it. The devil's in the details.

00:27:55:24 - 00:28:20:01
Speaker 1
So how do we navigate this in America? Make the best of the hand that we have. It sounds like the financial security part is one that the men listening to this they're really good at, but it's certainly a double edged sword where they could overdo that or is like, at what point are you working so much to, like, not be around your family?

00:28:20:03 - 00:28:52:12
Speaker 1
You know, and you know, and justifying it by like, I'm providing for my family, but, you know, I'm working 90 hours a week and coming up with excuses to go into the office, on a Sunday afternoon, you know, to not deal with my wife and kids because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. You know? So it's like these, you know, it's like the pendulum swings way too far for some dudes, and, you know, other, other way over here, but, you know, the safe zones, kind of like somewhere in the middle.

00:28:52:14 - 00:29:26:05
Speaker 2
The safe zone is somewhere in the middle. Like I have a client I can think of right now. He's a real estate lawyer. He's got I think he's up to three kids. You know, the wife is a, is a wonderful mom. He's a wonderful person. Is wonderful. Human. But, yeah, in our sessions, I'm always like, saying, dude, I love you, but for as much as you, obviously you're a genius in certain areas.

00:29:26:07 - 00:29:57:11
Speaker 2
You're kind of like you. You're absent, like from class when they were teaching, like, the very basics of how to engage with your wife or how to engage with your kids in a meaningful way. And she's like, well, honey, man, I'm like, so your wife's with home, with kids all day. You know that if you were to come home at 515 and say, hi, honey, I'm home.

00:29:57:13 - 00:30:37:11
Speaker 2
Never fear, daddy is here. And immediately loosen your tie, take your shoes off, slide in on your socks. And you. It's like family. Oh, look who's here. It's your dad. Woo! And bring some positive energy. She's going to feel like. Oh, thank God the relief team is here. But instead this dude will, you know, get stuck. And so he's not coming home until like six, 630 at that point she's she's cooked and she's resentful because she does feel like he could have come home earlier and he took advantage of hiding in his office.

00:30:37:17 - 00:30:59:14
Speaker 2
And she doesn't have that luxury. And so, of course, now when he's engaging with his kids, he's engaging with his kids in a way that is like, you know, do this, do that, do this, do that. And it's very transactional. And they're looking at him like, who are you? Again? You don't just come home and start telling me what to do.

00:30:59:14 - 00:31:21:21
Speaker 2
Do I even know you? You know, and so. Right. And then when they finally all get to sleep, then she's like. So I really feel like we need to talk about that. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Because she needs to decompress and he's like, you know, talk to the hand.

00:31:21:21 - 00:31:47:14
Speaker 2
I'm not trying to hear this shit. And then she's complaining that they don't have a sex life. And so she like, rails him for, you know, because it's it's, you know, he's not available to, to to communicate with her regularly. So when she finally gets his ear, she's going to, she's going to unload and he feels, like a bad guy.

00:31:47:16 - 00:32:21:09
Speaker 2
Then the kids are, you know, like I said, in bed, and he's up doomscrolling or whatever, doesn't get to sleep until one in the morning. And then this cycle happens over and over again. This is one example of many situations where guys are hiding a little bit in their office or in their work, ducking opportunities to connect with their wife in some meaningful way.

00:32:21:09 - 00:33:05:22
Speaker 2
By their by her standards, failing to spend enough quality time with the kids that they're more likely to respect the, you know, the authoritarian dynamic and so, yeah, like you said, as far as the pendulum swing, like, where's the sweet spot and all of that? And also for another variable, what happens when the wife, rather than being a bad wife, is someone who's also pulling in 100, $200,000 a year working a job and is like, wait, hold up.

00:33:05:23 - 00:33:30:06
Speaker 2
You think you're the only one who works? I work too, we need to share these responsibilities a little bit more evenly. This isn't here, you know. Leave it to Beaver where you come home, you know, the dog brings you your slippers. You sit in a lazy boy with the pipe, and I look cute making dinner. And then quick, run upstairs.

00:33:30:06 - 00:33:42:20
Speaker 2
And I'm a hoarder in bed for you. And then. And now for five minutes. And then you hang out and tinker in the garage. That's not. That's not the world we live in. Right.

00:33:42:22 - 00:33:46:22
Speaker 1
But that's what they put on TV and movies. I mean, what?

00:33:46:24 - 00:34:34:24
Speaker 2
Yeah, that is so. And that you know what? That actually brings up a good point. A recent study demonstrated that for the first time in history, Gen Z is less intelligent than, is demonstrably less intelligent, has lower IQ year and test scores than millennials. It's the first time in history since we've been recording that this has happened, that a generation didn't supersede the previous generation for intelligence.

00:34:35:01 - 00:35:15:20
Speaker 2
And I think it's no surprise that that's the case, because kids are getting a lot fewer opportunities to be hands on and physical in real life and use the parts of your brain that teach you to think outside of the, you know, the VR that is, you know, the internet and everybody's getting dumbed down because they're bombarded. I mean, TV was one thing, even movies.

00:35:15:20 - 00:36:05:00
Speaker 2
But dude, the internet is in everybody's eyes all the time, and social media is just dumb. Like the the number of people who don't know they're there. And there are your and your or say would of instead of would have. I'm just watching stupidity happen and so and so why am I bringing this up? I'm bringing this up because I think that we are in danger, frankly, if we don't pay attention to it, of doing our kids a disservice by, you know, letting the internet not only parent them, but shape how their neural pathways are formed.

00:36:05:02 - 00:36:07:05
Speaker 2
You feel me on that?

00:36:07:07 - 00:36:30:22
Speaker 1
Yeah. Makes me think of, you seen the movie Idiocracy, where they, basically society evolves where it's just a bunch of morons, and this guy comes out of, like, a deep freeze and they're trying to grow the crops, and they're. And they're watering it with Gatorade, and nothing will grow. And they think it's. He's seen the movie.

00:36:30:24 - 00:37:11:21
Speaker 2
Oh, Idiocracy. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I mean, idiot Idiocracy. Was never meant to be, prophetic. It was meant to be a joke. And yet it's frighteningly starting to manifest. And what that movie and our current reality have in common is this, you know, this singularity that is, instant media that's everywhere.

00:37:11:23 - 00:37:37:06
Speaker 3
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00:37:37:08 - 00:37:41:13
Speaker 3
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00:37:41:15 - 00:38:31:22
Speaker 2
So just like in Idiocracy, we have this, this singularity that is a, media, you know, syndicated media that is just sort of pumped into everybody's eyes and brains all the time. And it is been sort of rolled out by degrees. Is so much so that, you know, the kids who are being born into and raised in this world don't understand how very much different this is than like, I'm the Gen Xer.

00:38:31:22 - 00:39:13:17
Speaker 2
So my childhood didn't like, like there was a phone on the wall, and if you got a cord long enough to be able to take the phone call privately in your room, that was a big deal. You know, and there was so much more physical, experimentation, information came from a library. You. Yes, there was television and.

00:39:13:17 - 00:39:41:14
Speaker 2
Yes, by Genet, by, you know, by the 70s. And 80s, which, you know, is when I was growing up, parents were putting their kids in front of a TV, because a kid would sit there and look at the flashing colors and listen to the sounds, and they could catch a break. And now the situation that we have is that on steroids, it's everywhere.

00:39:41:16 - 00:40:28:21
Speaker 2
It's literally everywhere. It's literally everywhere. And I don't want to turn this from let's talk about dads to let's talk about the fact that we're, you know, in some sort of whatever, you know, Blade Runner or whatever situation, but it's, it's getting a little dystopian. And so part of being a dad is training your kid not only off of devices, but away from the, the worlds sort of singular rhetoric at this point and say, and this is, this is a tree, this is grass.

00:40:28:23 - 00:40:46:00
Speaker 2
This is a little freaking, you know, seed that if you split it in half, you put it on, it's a little helicopter, you put it on your nose. I don't know how we did that as kids. You know how they smell it? Yeah, that's the smell of childhood. These are fireflies. Age of white birds, motherfuckers on your shoe.

00:40:46:00 - 00:41:26:01
Speaker 2
And now your shoes glow in the dark. Like like like all of that, you know? Hey, there's a puddle. Haha. I just pushed you in it. Yeah, that's what we used to do before you could catch a charge for doing anything that hurt somebody's feelings. Like, kids need to learn how to go out and play, and kids need to develop that self-worth that comes with getting off of the goddamn internet, getting away from not only television, but super television, which is what the internet is, and spending time with themselves and with their parents.

00:41:26:01 - 00:41:53:10
Speaker 2
And I think a dad is an awesome person for that, because dad can throw you in the in the car or the truck and say, we're going to go do a drive and just say, there's that shit. And then there's this, and we're doing this. That's whatever that is. You ever notice when a mom goes on vacation that you know, that she comes back and the kids are just a little bit more chill?

00:41:53:10 - 00:42:25:06
Speaker 2
Sure, the house is a mess, you know, and then but they've been like for nearly a year or whatever. But but everybody just vibe is just more chill. Dads need to stop worrying so much about being providers. I'm not saying don't provide, but dads need to prioritize being their child's. Like refuge from the world. You fool me on that.

00:42:25:06 - 00:42:28:01
Speaker 2
That's a big thing. I just said.

00:42:28:03 - 00:42:56:14
Speaker 1
Yeah, I mean, if it's out of the carry of like, getting I mean, getting your kids to like you, right? And the kids probably aren't going to like their devices being removed from them. But the end byproduct of hanging out with them and doing, you know, dude stuff with them and getting out and getting in the woods or outside or playing games or bouncing balls off their heads, you know.

00:42:56:16 - 00:43:01:02
Speaker 2
Right. Yeah. Right. And all that.

00:43:01:04 - 00:43:23:12
Speaker 1
Things. Yeah, yeah. It brings me back to where I mean, one of the things that you advice that you gave me where like I have teenage daughters. So it's I'm a very subset of the dudes you're talking about where. But one thing you mentioned or it's like, how do I get my kids won't talk to me, you know, it's like.

00:43:23:16 - 00:43:27:23
Speaker 2
A fluffy, oh, oh, yeah.

00:43:28:00 - 00:43:47:24
Speaker 1
All they do is they come for me for money and, you know, groceries. And when the snacks are out, you know, but, and some advice you gave me towards, like you had shared to say, well, we'll just start sharing stuff with them, like, just be just be open and don't expect anything in return. Right. Because I think that for me, that's.

00:43:47:24 - 00:43:48:14
Speaker 2
Where.

00:43:48:14 - 00:44:08:13
Speaker 1
No one ever showed me that stuff. You know, as my dad, my dad was kind of there but wasn't there, you know, most tiniest half in the bag and, you know, whatever. But, so just and that those little tips I think were super, super valuable to me too, where it's like it's no one ever taught you. It.

00:44:08:15 - 00:44:30:00
Speaker 1
And, you know, you start throwing some open ended questions to numbers like, hey, how was your day? Or what was your favorite part about the day or things like that? And you get like, that was good. That was nice. You know, enough times you stop trying and you're like, okay, this kid just doesn't want to talk to me, you know?

00:44:30:02 - 00:44:50:23
Speaker 1
So I really appreciated that advice. You share with me. I mean, I happen to have teenagers, so it's a little bit of a different ball game, but still, super valuable. And and it seems like. Well, now there's probably been 3 or 4 months that you share that with me. And, and another change is that I, you know, now have my girlfriend living with me.

00:44:50:23 - 00:45:04:15
Speaker 1
So that makes is made a huge difference to, and the two of us and seeing her how she interacts with them and asks the questions, I'm like, That's how that works.

00:45:04:17 - 00:45:33:19
Speaker 2
Yeah. You know, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, listen, I am a believer that at least in the version of the world we're living in, I mean, you know, we could go higher level and say, than in the multiverse. Who knows what's absolutely right or wrong, but just in the life that you and I are looking at right here, right now, we're we're a couple of dudes that have some kids.

00:45:33:21 - 00:46:13:01
Speaker 2
And without getting into the esoteric, I think that a good play is to recognize that a mom and the dad complete the, the environment for, for for kids. I really don't think nature made a mistake on that one. I think a mom and a dad are a good idea. I know this when recently my son Bennett was, having anxiety about something.

00:46:13:03 - 00:46:47:14
Speaker 2
And again, I'm going to reiterate that he's 15, going on 16. He has dwarfism. So his but he's a muscle dude. So like his like there's a lot of testosterone and not a lot of body. So it's like he's saturated with testosterone. And and on top of that he's level three autism with ADHD and OCD. So he needs everything to go his way.

00:46:47:16 - 00:47:07:17
Speaker 2
And he has a hair trigger temper and it doesn't. There's hell to pay. And so it was it's one of these days where I came downstairs after working. It's 11 or 12 hours of dealing with guys and their, you know, their problems, which I'm not complaining, but it's a job and it's, you know, the end of a day is the end of a work day.

00:47:07:17 - 00:47:33:15
Speaker 2
You know, I need to decompress. And I work from home, so there's no, like, drive home like Tony Soprano where I can, you know, cross the bridge and smoke a cigar. You know what I mean? And kind of decompress. I've got, like, 11 stairs and from my upstairs office to down where my family is to do this mental switch and go, okay, Showtime.

00:47:33:17 - 00:48:07:11
Speaker 2
So I come in, and my kid, Celia, my partner, is like, And she does the eyes and the like, I, you know, the eyebrows in the hairline face to me that lets me know I'm walking into something. She's like, dad, Bennett is trying to watch whatever the hell it was. Zootopia two on his computer, but he wants to watch it on Amazon Prime.

00:48:07:13 - 00:48:30:07
Speaker 2
And I told him that the only way to do that is to use the Prime app. But he doesn't want to use the Prime app. He keeps saying he wants to watch it on YouTube, meaning he wants to watch it in the browser, and there's no way to let him watch it in the browser without giving him access to your Amazon page, which I'm pretty sure you don't want to do.

00:48:30:12 - 00:49:10:15
Speaker 2
Because if he starts pushing buttons, we're going to have packages showing up, and that's not kind of how we rock. So, I'm going to go make dinner in here, figure it out, you know, and oh, now I'm in this situation where I have to negotiate with this little man who is like, not taking no for an answer when I say, you can't use my Amazon Prime dude, like, no, you can't sign into my account because you want to watch a third instance of Zootopia, too, like it's on your iPad, it's on the TV, and now you want to watch it on your MacBook Pro that I bought for you.

00:49:10:15 - 00:49:36:04
Speaker 2
Like I didn't have light or heat as a kid, bro. Could you just, like, let me off the hook on this one? So. Right. So he is right at the like, this is just. And I catch myself what the like. He's like he's like dead. Zootopia two on YouTube. Do celebrities and he's like Sue and Dennis Procopio because he's like he he wants it to be my account.

00:49:36:04 - 00:50:00:11
Speaker 2
So he's like with his limited language, he's sitting there, get his little peach fuzz mustache. He's like flexing on me. Got Utopia too on YouTube. And I'm like, I just want to eat my goddamn dinner. It's like, this is fathering, you know? Like you're a life coach. Yeah, I'm a life coach, but I'm also a dead, so. So it moments like that, right?

00:50:00:13 - 00:50:14:04
Speaker 2
And we all have them. We all have them. I don't care what your jam is. I don't care what your thing is. Can I sleep over at my friend's house? No. You can't, but I really want to. Okay. If you weren't willing to accept no. Then why did you ask it as a question? Why did you just tell me?

00:50:14:07 - 00:50:50:22
Speaker 2
I'm going to do it right. The way that you manage these situations, bruh, is you have to breathe is highly, highly, highly underrated. Breathing. You have to stop and breathe. You have to physically relax your body. Because if you pay attention at any given time, you're probably making a fist with your body and like doing nice hands and like just looking around you like waiting for, like, something to come get you.

00:50:50:22 - 00:51:19:20
Speaker 2
Because that's the state that men are in any freaking hour of any day. So you have to loosen your body. You have to breathe, you have to smile, which is very, very, very, very counterintuitive. And you have to smile and you have to say. Oh, all right. So what is it that you'd like Zootopia to on your job?

00:51:19:20 - 00:51:49:15
Speaker 2
Dad, please. And you either have to say, all right, buddy, let me see what I can do for you or. Hey, man. Bummer. But I don't think I can do that. And whether your kid accepts it and just says okay and leaves or decides this is the hill they're going to die on and goes full metal temper tantrum on you.

00:51:49:17 - 00:52:36:21
Speaker 2
Your job is to recognize I can't control their feelings and to try to control their feelings is inappropriate. Their behavior is a reaction to their feelings. To try to control the behavior invalidates the feelings. Moms get that more than dads. So moms are really good at prioritizing the feeling. Are you frustrated because you really want Zootopia to on in the browser?

00:52:36:21 - 00:53:06:21
Speaker 2
And dad's not able to do it. Us. It's it's important to acknowledge their feelings. Now, what if it's a situation where it's not a five alarm fire like my kid, but it's just you come into the house, your three daughters are there. They're somewhere in their rooms or whatever may be in a common area. You're dad, so you're just lumbering around going, do I need to eat or I need to poop?

00:53:07:02 - 00:53:40:20
Speaker 2
What's my weight? What's my what's my deal? You now? Oh, yeah, I have daughters. Maybe I should talk to one of them right. It's the only offering you can really give them that has any value is to just be like, you know. Hey, Liliana, can I share something interesting with you? Sure. I guess, Yeah. So I'm doing this podcast now with this guy who's my life coach, and, like, I'm stoked on it.

00:53:40:22 - 00:54:04:16
Speaker 2
All right, well, that's good. Yeah, I just thought I'd share that with you. Okay. Thanks. All right. Well, do you have anything you want to share with me? Not really. Okay. So should I leave? I mean, yeah, I guess. All right. Well, that was a really great chat. Thank you for connecting. I feel closer to you now. You just.

00:54:04:19 - 00:54:37:14
Speaker 2
You have to keep trying. And the reality is you'll never know it. But they love you for trying. You just have to. You have to always be. You have to be a mirror in which your children see themselves. This beautiful. And the only way for that to happen is for you to be in front of them, and for you to remove any, any bullshit you're bringing to it, because any bullshit you're bringing is just going to be schmutz on the mirror, and they're going to see that reflected in their own face.

00:54:37:20 - 00:54:42:08
Speaker 2
And that's not how any of this works. Copy, copy.

00:54:42:10 - 00:54:44:14
Speaker 1
I feel like some, like, drop right there, brother.

00:54:44:16 - 00:54:59:14
Speaker 2
It is of my job. Oh, and right on the hour I see what you did all right. Well, hey, listen, I'm Dennis Procopio, I am the brokerage. I'm here with my guy Andrew Bots. Andrew, play us off stage.

00:54:59:16 - 00:55:19:03
Speaker 1
All right, man, got it this far. We do this for free. So all we asked is you to share the love with somebody else. By giving us a review, sharing it on social media. Follow us on social media or just, you know, subscribe to the podcast so you can catch the next one and catch you next bro coach episode.

00:55:19:03 - 00:55:21:10
Speaker 1
I appreciate you being here.

00:55:21:12 - 00:55:23:19
Speaker 2
That's what's up. See you later, guys.